which is worse?
to know or to not know?

to know for sure that you did well?
to know that you screwed it up?
to not know that you did well?
or to not know that you screwed up?

i think that "not knowing" must be one of the most painstaking states.
but is it better to not know because you actually don't yet have the results or
to not know because you just don't want to look?

just the anticipation ... which brings along worry... which is worst.
i think.

life is short
but we worry ourselves over things which seem so huge NOW
but so megre when you look back at it.

why is it always like that?
exam results, assignments, or bigger still, thesis es... all seem like such a huge deal at the time you are slaving, worry, and loosing sleep over it.

but after results are out, after you get your assignment back, after you finish your thesis
that's it, that's all!
it's no where near as big as you make it seem at the beginning.

but if you tell yourself this at the begining, you never believe it.
i mean, at the time, this HAS TO BE the BIGGEST thing of your life.
it only diminishes in size after.
so we worry over, we loose sleep over, we procrastinate over just little things that don't actually matter...

ahhh... life
life is short
life is sweet.
but mainly, just short.
it's wierd as i read back on my past life.
so many memories which i would have completely forgotten if i had not recorded them.
so many incidences that I would have stressed about in the past, all seem comical now.
now that i'm older? now that i'm more mature? or now that i've actually, been there done that?

well... nonetheless, i would have really missed out if i forgot about the memories.
funny thing is, some memories that i've "forgotten" about are, actually, very unique.
in psychology, we say that the common things all blurr in together.. so it's ok to loose time/contextual tags on in the incident if it's common. but for unique incidences, they are supposed to be so distinct that they don't blurr in with the other memories. and hence, you're supposed to remmber them more clearly.

but i dont.
that probably makes me forgetful
or just that too many weird, funny, unique things (mainly just weird) have happened in my life that i didn't cherish in the past... but i will now.

life is short
one should cherish the moments.

ahh...
i was flicking through some old photos today...
old memories
of good times
good times as you remember it now.

i guess its all a matter of perspective.
back then, exams would have been horrendous... i would have been wishing i was smaller, or (stupidly enough) that I was in uni already.
that particular exam would have been sooo important and sooo huge.
until it's past.
it's always like that.
end of uni seems like such a huge milestone.
until it's past.

but, undoubtedly, high school brings back lots of memories.
most good, some bad, all treasurable.
if i had to relive a year, it would definately be year 7.
but
if i had to go through all that again... i'd rather not.

memories are of the past
they are part of what makes me, me.
no matter what happens in the future, i can't change the past.
kind of a scary thought.
but i guess... that's like now.
if i don't live how i want to remember having have lived, i'd probably regret it in the future.
like how i regreted my three.

ah... happiness.
these days, it's very hard to give happiness to others.
give them a Wii, an nDS, a car... sure, they'd be happy... maybe for a few days, weeks tops.
or worse, give people a gift for their birthday or christmas, they'll just give you that smile, say 'thanks', then after unwrapping it and telling you how much they like it, the present probably won't get another look.

on the other hand, after visiting a pair of proud new parents, the looks on their faces exudes nothing but happiness. When they hold their new born child, they wear smiles happier than recieving any new expensive toy.
but why is that?
having a baby is recieving... but recieving a lifetime of debt.
everything that happens after a child is born requires giving, giving money, time, love, care, nuturing... etc etc.
yet, happiness abounds.

so, maybe happiness is not in recieving
happiness is in giving.

hmm...
what is the key to happiness?
happiness is such a difficult concept to grasp.
some people are happy having nothing
some people are unhappy because they have nothing
yet, some people are unhappy even when they have all things.
what is happiness? it has to be more than a smile on one's face.
more than that laugh
it's non-materialistic
it's not logical
it's just happiness.

if happiness is just... happiness
then who judges what is considered happiness?
probably the one who is happy
but then who judges the unhappy?
what happens if person A's happiness is the same as person B's unhappiness
just that the same emotion, the same feeling, is simply judged on different scales?

maybe we'd all be happier if there was no such thing as 'happiness' in life.

nov 9, 2007

I remember the first day I stepped into uni, a bit scared, a bit nervous, a bit (or a lot) lost. Getting off at the wrong bus stop, walking up and down campus, meeting new friends, being in unfamiliar environments... Yet, I distinctly remember thinking, 'I can't wait til the day I graduate'.

And now I'm here, well, not quite. Finishing the last exam of a four year course. Last day of four years of hard work, lack of sleep before assessments are due, a 100+pg thesis and I still feel... nothing. Elated? maybe for that hour. But now, nothing.

I feel as I have yet to learn from these four years. Maybe I have not increased in knowledge, not in wisdom, but, perhaps grown. Grown and but yet to discover into what. I don't really know how I feel, but it is not too far from emptiness.

really, just nothing.